Saturday, November 9, 2013

Five Minute Friday: Truth

It's that time again.
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you and encourage them in their comments.
Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..


Five Minute Friday

Word for today: Truth

I had a whole different post written for truth, but it was scattered and riddled with such personal experience that I'm not sure it would have translated. I was debating if I should post it or not....

THEN
This came across my facebook.



Anyone who knows me at all knows that I do not agree with the gay lifestyle. I do not approve of gay bashing or hate based on it but I do not approve of the lifestyle. As far as I know that is still my right. It does not make me homophobic anymore than disagreeing with our presidents policies makes me racist.

TRUTH
Truth is I had to think about sharing this. Not because of the message, the message is amazing, astonishing, and giving the post I was already writing IT IS what I was trying to say. Because you see, I had three people on my fb share this. TWO of them focused on this being a "gay message". One shared without comment.

TRUTH
Truth is I almost did not share this because I was afraid that it would align me with those first two. You see, I do want to make it clear to my children that our faith does not condone the gay lifestyle. Oh, wait so you see maybe that made me afraid (phobic) of what people thinking I am changing my stance on homosexuality. Homophobic, but not in the stereotypical sense.... still.... am I.

TRUTH
The woman in this video was very open about her "armor" and "readiness for war" with a 4 year old. And when she looked at that 4 year old she had a paradigm shift. A shift in her set thinking. She realized that her war was not with that 4 year old little girl. And something stunning happened. Isn't it amazing how God works through us, DESPITE ourselves. And yes. I believe God worked through that little girl AND through that young waitress.

So in this one video I found two separate and incredible lessons.
1. That even though I have NEVER been and advocate of "gay bashing" or hating gay people because of their lifestyle, I am WAS afraid to show any kind of support for the gay PERSON. Wow, and that lesson was not even on the video. It was a whisper from God straight to my heart.
2. The second lesson is actually what the video is about.... NOT gay or straight or really even closets (although she uses closets very effectively) but it is about TRUTH and how it can literally KILL us when we are not honest.

And I will share that I nearly ruined my marriage and my family before I really understood. I was in constant panic mode and the anxiety was killing me minute by minute. You see, I am not good with money. I tried to make sure everyone got what they wanted and deserved, despite how little was in the checkbook. And I knew that the truth would be hard for my family to hear, and I am weak. So I lied. And it started out small, and it grew and grew and grew. And in the end my husband found the truth being nailed to our house with a foreclosure notice. Yes, that is literally how he found out that I had mismanaged our finances. Can you imagine?  And I was in such a dark place, and I KNEW this was the end. I was not home, he called me to ask what was going on. I told him I was on my way home and hung up. I had talked myself into a place where the darkness overcame me so much that when he found out despite me thinking that all my worst fears would be coming within hours (him leaving, taking the kids, me with nothing) I still felt something so strange that I didn't even recognize it at first... as I drove home finally it dawned on me, through tears, sobbing tears, and fear and a knot in my stomach that reached up and twisted at my heart something else was there.
relief. Yes, relief. I had been killing myself slowly with the deception and fear and panic that when it came to the point where there was no hiding it anymore I felt relief.  And that is what truth is... relief.

When I got home months of that HARD CONVERSATION happened. Months, because I had really messed up and every time the bills came in another piece of the web came to light. I had made such a mess of things that even when I thought I had come completely clean, even I didn't know what I had done. And I think one very important thing that Ash said here needs to be repeated.... "apologize for what you've done, NOT for who you are."   And this is very important because this is one more piece of the lie we tell ourselves. You see, this was not the first time I had made a mess of our finances. It was the biggest mess, by far, but not the first. And what has saved us from doing it again and again is that I finally told my family that I could NOT do the money. I can't. It isn't something I can fix. So instead of apologizing for WHO I am, I apologize for what I did, and told my husband that although I knew it would put a large portion on his already full plate, that he would have to take over the finances. And you know what, HE is really good at it. But part of why he is really good at it, is because HE KNOWS I just CAN'T do it. And it isn't a matter of me not trusting myself with it, it is a matter of telling myself the TRUTH. I can not watch him work hard as he does, and tell him that he just can't buy that new toy that he wants.  It works better when he tells himself no. It just does.

TRUST is a hard thing... so easy to throw away (although I know now I worked very hard destroying that trust) and so hard to earn back, to prove that you can be trust worthy. It was nearly 4 years ago when that paper was being nailed onto the house. Gods grace has left me with my family in tact, with a husband who has literally walked through hell for me and children who don't completely understand what that paper meant, but who love me just the same as before. Yes, that surprised me. You see lies and deception are not just pointed away from us - every time we lie to someone else, we also lie to ourselves.  Those lies, the ones we tell ourselves, are just as damaging if not more so, then the lies we tell to others.

TRUTH
God's grace, faith, a husbands commitment that started the minute he decided he would ask this woman to marry him and sealed with the vows of "in good times and in bad" and "for better and for worse" and hard conversations have gotten us through it - together.  The easy thing would be to say that we are stronger for it. I don't know if it made is stronger or not, but I know my love for this man and my faith in God and my appreciation of having my family together are stronger. As is my appreciation for the truth no matter how hard it is, and in trust and how fragile it is.

5 minutes...(give or take a few) stop.

3 comments:

  1. Wow...this is so interesting. There's so much here to ponder as you display a great deal of wisdom. My computer couldn't load the video so I'll need to find another one to view it on. Don't be surprised if you hear back from me once I am able to take in all that you've shared here. I'm glad you turned this into a Five Minute Saturday.

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  2. Dear Maxine,

    This is a wow kind of post. Thank you for being open and transparent with so much of your life. Thank you for speaking the truth in love about homosexuality...not approving of the life style, but not approving of gay bashing either. It's a balance. Loving the sinner but hating the sin. I heard a good quote recently about tolerating sin. Tolerating sin (not speaking the truth about sin) is a nice way to say, "Go to @#!*% ."

    Thank you for your openness about your struggle with finances. What a terrific husband you have. I love what he told you...don't apologize for who you are but what you've done.

    You keep on being a truth teller.

    Blessings in Christ...Susan

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  3. Maxine, YOU are a BRAVE woman! Love your honesty, love your transparency about yourself and you are right when we are not honest about ourselves we bring death into our life. Thank you allowing me a window into your life. I too love the statement "don't apologize for who you are but what you have done." what a picture of grace you and your husband are. Blessings!

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