Thursday, October 17, 2013

When You Lose Your Temper, Things I Shouldn't Have Said

Have you ever lost it with your kids and finally just lay it out there no matter how selfish it sounds? Today my kids seem to have all gotten the same affliction. If you are a parent you know the affliction. "Ignore mom to see how lazy we can get away with being." And today I am weak. This week,  I have been weak. Snapping at everyone. 

So today the words tumbled out of my hurting heart. "I will give you my last breath, because that is what moms do, and I will do it gladly because it was my choice to have kids and I get that is what moms do. I did not go into this blind, I knew before I started that my life would now revolve around someone else, forever." And then the worst...
"BUT, if you do not start listening to what I have to say and do what I tell you to do WHEN I tell you to do it some of the stuff I allow you all to do is going to end. I am going to start getting some of those things *I* want and you all are going to have to start going without..."

Yes. I said that. And yes, at the moment I meant it. But I do feel selfish, and horrible for saying it. But when you are a mom, and you look around and you realize that you will never catch up with all the house work, and the floor you spent a lot of time on yesterday looks like you haven't swept in a month and on and on and on... and then you ask for a little help.  "Please, fold the laundry and get another load going." as you point to the laundry in the two baskets (three loads) that you have not touched because you know it's only RIGHT to make them do what you asked several times in three days.  "Please, clean up after you make lunch." to get "OK, THERE, I cleaned it are you happy?" in that snotty 13 year old girl attitude that ONLY 13 year old girls are capable of stringing out... Then walking in to see the mess only half cleaned up.... You know those days. Add to that the pain that refuses to go away (after several weeks). Add to that the guilt from being a snot in general to a husband that does not deserve it...

Yet, I have that voice in the back of my head... "no excuses". Because we are not supposed to make excuses for our bad behavior, we are supposed to just apologize and ask forgiveness. Grr.

So here in my place, this area where I profess to be finding my happy, I have to lay it out... what is my plan? I don't know, because even though I know the right thing for me to do I am still not willing to allow a couple of "pushing the limits as far as I can possibly get away with it and not get my head served to me on a silver platter" teenagers walk all over mom. Not even if most days they are splendid and this only happens occasionally. Any why? Why do I seem to think I need to expect so much from my kids? Because I want them to be splendid all the time, I want them to grow and be better then me. I want them to have more then me. I want them to have a bigger life then me. And you know what that last one there.... that is a tall order to fill. Because even on a day when hiding under the covers seems like it would have been a better way to spend my day then the way I did spend it I do know that I am blessed.

God is good, He has a plan. I am the one that throws roadblocks, and I am the one that makes Him work hard to give me the life He wants me to have. And those moments when I know I've been a snot, and still don't know exactly what He wants me to do and I decide to just keep going down the same ol' road... and I get that smack upside the back of my head, you know the one. I've talked about it before. The one that reminds me I am a terribly stubborn child of God and He has once again had to get my attention.... Those moments are the ones that I know God Loves ME More.... He loves me more than all my mistakes, He loves me more than I am stubborn.  I know He does, because he is the perfect Father, and although I am not perfect AT ALL, I know that I love my children more than their mistakes. And I love them more then they are stubborn. 

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